This has to be the funniest thing I have read in quite some time. I was actually in the middle of a meeting, and had to step out halfway through reading the article b/c I was about to lose it. The funny thing is that I was two years old when this came out, so my parents were probably looking at this and saying to themselves “Geez…that would be nice to have.” The good news is that I don’t remember getting any of these things.

http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/2007/10/strap-in-shut-up-and-hold-on-were-going.html

This is just to funny not to share…

Woman seeks rich husband, banker says “crappy” deal

Deal or no deal? An online exchange between a woman looking for a husband who earns more than $500,000 a year and a mystery Wall Street banker, who assessed her potential for romance as a business deal, has cause quite an Internet stir.

The anonymous 25-year-old woman recently posted an ad on the free online New York community Web site Craigslist, http://newyork.craigslist.org/, appealing for advice on how to find a wealthy husband.

“I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all,” the woman, who described herself as “spectacularly beautiful” and “superficial,” wrote.

“I dated a business man who makes average around 200 – 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. $250,000 won’t get me to Central Park West,” she said, asking questions like “where do rich single men hang out?”

The mystery banker, who said he fit the bill, offered the woman an analysis of her predicament, describing it as “plain and simple a crappy business deal.”

“Your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity … in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!” the banker wrote.

“So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset,” he said. “Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!”

“It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease,” he said.

While the woman has since removed the ad from Craigslist, it — along with the response — has become a popular email joke that, bank JPMorgan Chase says, led to one of its bankers mistakenly being credited with writing the response.

Brian Marchiony, spokesman for JPMorgan Chase, said the banker did not write the response and that his email signature accidentally became attached to the ad and response when he forwarded it to friends and it then wound up on blogs.

Craigslist was not immediately available for comment, but a spokeswoman told The New York Times that “it does look as if the post was made sincerely.”

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, ‘Why are you crying?’

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. ‘Is this your axe?’ the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, ‘No.’

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. ‘Is this your axe?’ the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, ‘No.’

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. ‘Is this your axe?’ the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, ‘Yes.’

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, ‘Why are you crying?’

‘Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!’

The Lord went down into the water and came up with MONICA BELLUCCI ‘Is this your wife?’ the Lord asked.

‘Yes,’ cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. ‘You lied! That is an untruth!’

The woodcutter replied, ‘Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to MONICA BELLUCCI, You would have come up with ANGELINA JOLIE . Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT’S why I said yes to MONICA BELLUCCI.’

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it! – ‘WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!’

I doubt the story is true, but it is quite funny and I found it here.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

This happened to me the other day, and I wasn’t quite certain how to handle it. Maybe you can help. I’m in the restroom washing my hands, when a guy comes out of the stall and I hear some clinking noise and immediately notice that his belt is still unbuckled. Now, there is a big mirror in front of the sink, so I figure the guy will notice and fix the problem. However, the guy continues to wash his hands, and as I’m finishing up, he still hasn’t done anything about his belt. It’s right there, making all the clinking noise, how can he not notice? I almost feel like following him to see how long before he notices. So, do I tell him, or let him figure it out for himself? If his zipper was down, I would let him know, since you can’t really hear that, but a clinking belt, come on. I felt as if this guy should have noticed. Of course, I’ll find out later that he is deaf which will lead to a ton of guilt for me, but for now, I’m feeling fine.

You’ve all heard about the crazy laws around the U.S., but never really had a good place to view them all. Well, now someone has put them on the web. Here are the ones from California and Florida.

California

* A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits.
* Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
* Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
* A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash.
* Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
* Bathhouses are against the law.
* Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
* Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor); Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
* Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.
* Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
* In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
* In California it is illegal to have caller ID
* In California it’s against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices.
* In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can’t be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife’s consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.
* In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
* In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. (Someone needed to be kissed!)
* In San Francisco it’s illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.
* In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
* It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
* It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
* It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub
* It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
* Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell “Silly String”.
* Lompoc: It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
* Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage; It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
* Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
* No alcohol beverages can be displayed within five feet of a cash register of any store in California that sells both alcohol and motor fuel.
* No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
* Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
* Riverside: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.
* San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
* San Francisco bans any “mechanical device that reproduces obscene language.”
* San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
* Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
* Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
* The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name “San Francisco.” It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.

Florida

* Florida prohibits topless walking or running within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.
* Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
* Daytona Beach: The molestation of trash cans is banned; While intoxicated, being under influence of narcotics is prohibited; It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired;
* Florida deals with its prostitution problem by giving prostitutes spending money, a five-year banishment, and a bus ticket out of town.
* Florida law forbids rats to leave the ships docked in Tampa Bay.
* Hialeah: Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.
* If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
* Failure to tell your neighbor his house is on fire is illegal.
* It is illegal to fish while driving across a bridge.
* In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.
* In Saratoga, Florida it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.
* It is considered an offense to shower naked.
* It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday.
* Key West: Chickens are considered a ‘protected species’.
* Oral sex is illegal.
* You may not kiss your wife’s breasts.
* Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
* Pensacola: Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person; It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel; A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.
* Pinecrest: In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained.
* Sanford Stage: Nudity is banned, with the exception of “bona fide” theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.
* Sarasota: If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00; You may not catch crabs.
* Tampa Bay: It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.
* Under a 1959 ordinance, stubborn children were considered vagrants in Jupiter Inlet Colony, Fla.
* When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.
* Women can be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer. The salon owner can also be fined for this horrible crime.

And if you want to see the rest of the 50 United States:
http://crazytopics.blogspot.com/2007/01/craziest-laws-in-america.html

As a producer, I can somewhat appreciate how this might have gotten through rehearsals, but it is still pretty funny.

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though
we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one
of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn’t Mop
And if Mum is Mummy, then Daddy must be Dummy!!

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied.

“It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions, and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers’ license. It’s like a report card. It has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are; you are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in sex.

For some of you, this may be a slightly uncomfortable, or even perhaps some of you might find it funny , which is intended, but for some reason it has been bothering me lately, so I figured I would get it off of my chest and see what people thought. The story is about the top 10 most annoying things (to me) that a guy does while using the urinal. Some of you may do some of these things, others of you may shake your head in agreement, and yet even some of you may say why in the world would he write about such a thing. Well, I have some spare time right now, so why not.

In no particular order:

1. The guy who washes his hands before using the restroom as if to say my hands are so dirty, that I can’t just wait until after I am finished to wash them.
2. The guy who doesn’t wash his hands at all, before or after. Then, you see him later shaking hands with other people or eating with his hands and you just can’t stand to watch.
3. The guy who immediately flushes the urinal upon walking up to it, whether or not it needed it or not. Sometimes, he does it after he saw the other guy just flush. WHY? Does he want to waste water? Does he feel like things might overflow if he doesn’t? What is the logic behind this? Just wait, use the restroom and flush afterwards like a normal person! Some guys even go so far as to leave their hands on the flush handle so that can flush at the beginning, middle, and finally the end. What does one of these guys do if he runs into one of these waterless urinals that don’t require flushing?
4. The guy who walks up to the urinal and spits in it. As if urinating on the urinal isn’t enough to mark his territory, this guy feels that a large spit is in order.
5. The guy who feels it is necessary to let out numerous relief moans while doing his business. You would think these people had been holding it in for a week with as loud as some they can be. No one needs to hear this…EVER, much less when that person is only a couple of feet away.
6. The guy who thinks it necessary to practically have a seizure at the end of doing their business in order to shake things out. Not that I am looking, but I do have peripheral vision, and it makes me feel as if I need to check on some of these people because their entire top torso is convulsing and they are practically jumping up and down. As a friend of mine once said, “if you shake it more than twice, you are playing with it.”
7. The guy who won’t use the “short” urinal b/c they feel they are either too tall or too cool for it. I understand some people are taller, and I could understand if Shaq waited, but for those who are below 6′ 5″, just aim a little lower and stop rushing the guy you are waiting for.
8. The infamous guy who is right before you and decides to use the middle urinal, leaving you no option but to choose a urinal right next them. Or, the guy who, despite having 3 other choices, chooses the urinal right next to you. There is a plain and simple rule for guys, don’t do it. Guys have a certain space criteria, and this is crossing the border. My friends put together a nice little video about “ManSpace” that illustrates this point to a tee.
9. The guy who walks up the urinal and feels it is necessary to spread his legs as wide as possible, and stick one hand as high as possible on the wall above the urinal. What kind of pose is this and what does it accomplish? Do things flow better? What does this guy do when at home with only a toilet? Does he do the same thing and just bend way over so his hand can be on the wall?
10. And finally, the guy who feels that they must talk to you while using the restroom. As I said before, there are certain man rules that must be obeyed, and near the top of that list is to stare at the wall directly in front of you, or look down, but never look at the person next to you, and for heaven’s sake never try to strike up a conversation. There is nothing you can say that will make the situation any less awkward, so shut up and finish your business!

So, for the women out there, this is a little insight into the odd behaviour that can exist inside the men’s room. Of course, urinals aren’t all bad. There is nothing better than not having to wait for 20 minutes like the women to use the restroom. Now, for a little humor to finish everything off, here is a funny video about something that will, or should, never happen, but is still quite funny.
Urinal Humor