A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. “Tomorrow,” his wife angrily told him, “there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!”

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it …. and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday.

Last week we celebrated Barbie’s big 3 – 0! Yep, she has officially joined the thirty something crowd, although I haven’t noticed her forgetting anything like I did when I turned 30. To celebrate, we went down to Los Cabos, Mexico for 5 days and 4 nights, and it couldn’t have been better timing as the weather here in the Bay Area has been raining non-stop for the past month. Cabo, on the other hand, was bright and sunny, just like you would hope.

Of course, this being a celebration for Barbie, I decided to stay at one of the nicer resorts on the Baja peninsula… the “Westin Resort and Span“. This place was awesome, so great in fact that we actually were convinced to buy a time share of sorts in case we wanted to come back. It’s not the normal time share, but is basically a points system where we can use the points anyway we want in resorts across the world, or, just rent out our 2 bedroom villa and make a little extra money on the side. Anyways, we definitely didn’t plan on buying anything when we arrived, but right when you get off the plane their are tons of Timeshare people giving you discounts to this and that, so we kinda got suckered in. Anyways, when we arrived to our hotel, they let us know that they had their own place for us to visit, and would match for everything the other guy gave us, plus some other incentives, and since we didn’t have to leave the hotel, we took their deal.

So, now you are asking yourself what did we do. Well, we arrived on Wednesday and relaxed, relaxed, relaxed. Thursday, much of the same, except we got massages in the morning, and went into downtown Los Cabos in the evening for dinner, which ended up not being so great…so avoid a place called Brasil’s if you go. Friday was our big day of Scuba diving. Everywhere we go these days that has an ocean we scuba dive. This was one of the best dive spots I have been to, and if we had gone in the early morning when the visibility was great, then it could have been the best. Basically there were tons of sea life, eels, fish, etc., but the coolest was getting to pet a white tip reef shark. He, or she, was nestled under some rocks trying to get some sleep, and its tail was just stick out far enough that you could actually pet it. Pretty cool…but a little scary at the same time. The other thing we got to see were sea lions. There is a colony that lives out on the rocks, so when you scuba dive there, they come by and check you out. They look all sweet and innocent when they are on land, but those are some big animals under the water, so it is a little intimadating at first, but very cool! As I said, overall one of the best dive spots we have been to. Here is an image Land’s End, basically the very bottom of the Baja peninsula, and where we went scuba diving.

Saturday was the morning we went on the little time share tour and ended up buying one, so the afternoon was spent relaxing and trying to figure out if 1) It was a good purchase, 2) where we could go with our purchase, and 3) what can we afford to eat now that they have all our money. No, it wasn’t that expensive, so we did end up having the best meal of our trip, at least for me, in downtown San Jose (Mexico) at a restaurant called the “Local Eight.” So if you are ever there, and have some extra pesos, give it a try…very good!

So, what can I say other than it was a great vacation, and hopefully Barbie enjoyed her entire Birthday week. Also, now that we have some points to use at hotels across the world, you may be seeing the Graver’s in your neighborhood very soon!

These are PG-13, so if you are kid, don’t read.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man , they’re pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding,no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

Some interesting things that people actually spent the time to prove, even though it was already presumed true anyways. My favorites are the following:

1. Combining Drugs and Alcohol is Bad For You
3. Too Many Meetings Make You Grumpy
5. The Beer-Google Effect is a Bona Fide Phenomenon

Here’s the Link: Science Confirms the Obvious!

What started off as one of the best NCAA tournaments that I can remember, ended in quite possibly the worst manner that I can think of. The Final Four games were all blowouts, and UF ended up walking away with the first basketball national championship for not only the university, but also for the entire State of Florida. Somehow I don’t think us Seminole fans are going to live this one down for quite some time.